1. If you have N rusty bolts to remove, N-1 of them will come off after penetrant, heat, and normal efforts. The remaining one will round off the head, snap inside the engine block, defy the EZ-out, damage at least one appendage, expand your expletive vocabulary, and cause you to get the car towed to someplace that can remove it for $500. Or cause you to sell the vehicle.

2. Almost everything found in a barn is bad.

3. If you are not in the market for a particular vehicle or part, an unbelievable deal for that item will present itself, causing you to be in the market.

4. If you breakdown far from home in one of the less populated areas of the country, the offending part will be cheap, it will fail as night approaches or at night, you will hear the theme from deliverance playing softly nearby, and the part will be available only from a vendor at the geographical opposite of your current position within the country, causing you to pay the maximum possible fedex charge.

5. Remember the following formula. FP=0.5D-NT . For you non-scientific types, Failure point (FP) = half the distance (D) to the event minus the needed tool (NT).

6. Restoration pain is like childbirth pain. Nuff said.

7. Never give yourself a self-imposed deadline. Yourself knows you very well and can attempt to outflank you, but then you try reverse psychology, which yourself will then counter with u-turn psychology, but you already know this and refuse to go for it, which causes yourself to punch you in the face, and you retaliate with a kick to the groin which yourself wasn’t expecting because that is not good cricket, but you know this which causes yourself to reach for the lug wrench……..As you watch your house recede into the distance through the rear window of the ambulance you note, “Boy these straight jackets are uncomfortable.”

8. If you have new paintwork, take a screwdriver and scratch it yourself. Then use your expanded expletive vocabulary. There, now you can move on without murdering some old lady with a shopping cart or one of your children.

9. Contrary to popular belief, most engine misfires and other poor-running maladies are not remedied by keeping speed high and revs close to redline for extended periods of time.

10. There is a small vacuum-assisted magnetic compartment on every vehicle into which very small parts and hardware fall when you are installing or removing them. This compartment is connected to a wormhole. Somewhere in another galaxy, there are beings made entirely of lock washers, set screws, circlips and odd socks.


10 Replies to “Classic Velocity Laws”

  1. Dear Classic Velocity Blog (Wayne):

    My father, the world’s smartest man, once told me the best cure for all of the points you’ve so aptly illustrated in this piece is a credit card, which transfers the burden of being damned to a mechanic, who is largely unphased by these things.

    Fondest regards,
    Jack • reep • Toad
    Twisted Roads
    New blogs posted every Monday and Thursday

  2. Dear Jack,

    I have found over time, that if you fool around with ancient conveyances, there are situations where you may well wear out that piece of plastic. Some would argue that the answer is to use more reliable modern vehicles, but as Lao Tsu says (the motto of this site proudly displayed in the masthead), "It is better to travel hopefully, even than to arrive."

    Cheers and thanks for commenting.

  3. I found an MG Midget in a barn about 15 years ago. The body actually looked pretty good, but mice destroyed the interior, and the chassis was like corn flakes. I’ve also done #1. LOL on 7 & 10. Brilliant post !!

  4. Great Stuff. I had a good laugh and then sent this on to some mates. I can relate to the not in the market business. Its how I ended up with my lone ducati among triumphs !!


  5. Dear Simo,

    I have been on a number of "barn find" outings over the years. I can’t remember ever thinking "I’ve just hit the jackpot". Mostly, it was "Run Forrest, Run far away !!"


  6. Dear Roadaddict,

    In many cases, the deal you can’t pass up, should be passed up. However, I’ve owned a few interesting vehicles because of a deal, so on balance I think it is good to be exposed to something that you might not get to know otherwise. Thanks for commenting.


  7. I just followed the link in the formula and read the concentric circle theory. Fantastic !! I’m still chuckling. I had a Guzzi that made me do a few of those circles. You should tag all the funny stuff so you can browse through it….

  8. Dear MotoMike,

    I wish I had not done some version of all of those circles !!

    ps: I’m going to try to tag everything with multiple tags once I get around to it. In the meantime, most of my wacky observations are tagged as "commentary".


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