“I have a great lead on a Double Cab with an old Zundapp in the bed”

“Great, You know I am looking for both of those right now!”

“You have been looking for those ‘right now’ for years, and have never pulled the trigger”

“How long is now? Are you saying that I have violated some time period?”

“Yes, especially when you say ‘right now’. There is a statute of limitations”

“Well how long is it? What if I just start over?”

“I dont know, but everybody knows that right now cannot mean years”

“I am everybody, and I don’t know that”

After a long sigh. “I feel sorry for your family…..Do you want to hear about the Bus or not?”

“Yes, right now!”

This is an actual conversation between two inmates in the Classic Velocity asylum. Besides providing insight into the nature of the diseased minds in this institution, it points out that deep existential questions and quantum physics are among the topics of routine conversation. Today we will discuss time, and introduce a theory that will challenge the likes of Stephen Hawking and Albert Einstein. Welcome to Classic Velocity Time (CVT). Here are some basic definitions :

  1. While. This is an indeterminate period defined by a borrower of goods or space. Eg: Can I leave my parts car in your driveway for a while? Usually, the exasperated lender (or their spouse) makes  several attempts to change the arrangement into something finite. Eg: Get that crap outta here before Thanksgiving!.
  2. Soon. This is also an indeterminate period of time with a strong implication that it is not indeterminate. It is used often by borrowers of goods, space, and money. It is also one of the most powerful words of the procrastinator. Eg: I can’t sell it to you because I am going to restore that soon.
  3. Now. By the time you get to the end of this sentence is it still now? If no, when did it end ? Did it end at the smallest unit of time you know ? If yes, is it still now next year ? You see, this is really indeterminate as well. Eg: I am restoring that right now.
  4. Eventually. This is an indeterminate period of time with a strong implication that it is in fact indeterminate. Eg: I will restore that thing eventually.
  5. Immediate Future. Besides being an oxymoron, this is an indeterminate period of time with a strong implication that it is both close and distant. Eg: I see one of those in my immediate future.
  6. Reasonable. When applied to time, reasonable is indeterminate and highly subjective. Eg: We should have the work completed in a reasonable amount of time.
  7. No time. Another oxymoron. Indeterminate with the strongest implication that it is not. Eg: We will have the work completed in no time.
  8. It’s hard to say. This term is similar to Eventually, but it has the strongest implication that it is indeterminate and may extend beyond your lifetime. Some would compare it to eternity, but we stop short of that (by about 6 feet).

Based on these CVT definitions, NOW=S(n*i), or the subjective (s) application of some number (n) of periods of indeterminate (i) length. See you soon.

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